Dating Standards and Sustainability

My young, single clients are fed up. Their tales of dating woes sound completely exhausting. Many come to sessions traumatized after evenings gone wrong, so I try to help them change the negative core beliefs they have adopted about themselves after unsuccessful encounters: I am unlovable. I am unattractive. I don’t deserve to be happy. But many others state that their therapeutic goal is just to figure out how to embrace singledom. And some women tell me they’ve decided to enter a “celibacy era” after being ghosted by one too many guys. As a relationship therapist who views healthy sexual experiences as one of life’s greatest joys, I find this especially cringeworthy.

My older clients present a stark contrast. Their stories of how they met their partners are nostalgic, filled with unprompted detail about what their relationships were like as things progressed. They describe their initial chemistry and attraction, and maybe the cheesy but charming pickup line they couldn’t help but fall for. And they reference other key players: the mutual friend, the co-worker, or the quirky aunt who surprised them with her keen matchmaking ability.

Keeping it Generational

When we evaluate the state of dating and mating today, we see a profound paradox. According to recent data from the Kinsey Institute and the dating app Feeld, nearly half of adult Gen Z-ers are single, compared to just a fifth of millennials. The survey data further suggest that the biggest issue millennials face in their relationships is how to open their minds sexually, while the biggest concern for the younger generation is that, despite holding the most sexually expansive views of any generation in recent history, they are unsure how to love. Today’s singles under 45 struggle with a mix of emotions: They are overly picky about whom they’ll date but also deeply insecure about their face-to-face dating skills and utterly confused about when and how sex fits into the experience. Given all of that, it’s no surprise that they come into therapy overwhelmed, burned out, and anxious.

It may be time to consider whether the current approach to dating—daunting as it may be to try changing it at this point—might be doing more harm than good, and if it might be time to return to some old-school strategies.

The advent of dating apps, as we know, fundamentally changed how people find and evaluate each other and form relationships. While dating was once grounded in serendipity, social circles, and face-to-face interactions, it has become a web-based process fueled by a return-on-investment mentality.

Classified Codes of Dating

Perhaps the biggest hindrance is what I call the “judgment double standard.” On the one hand, people swipe left on dating apps with ruthless efficiency, dismissing potentially lovely partners based on a single photo or a few words in a bio. People can’t help but carry that outlook into first dates where a lone awkward comment or a slight mismatch in humor can be enough to inspire rejection and a return to the online pool. It’s what’s become known as “the ick”—a single turnoff, often sparked by something seemingly insignificant, like a too-enthusiastic text, that repels a potential partner and ends a connection at the starting gate. Instead of recognizing that all humans are flawed and allowing attraction to develop between two imperfect people, many of my clients report prematurely ending things that might have grown into meaningful connections.

In line with the effort to add more efficiency to the historically inefficient science of human mating, some of my clients confess to “hard balling” their dates—approaching them with strict, non-negotiable expectations, even to the point of stating upon first meeting that they are only interested in a serious relationship (or the opposite). It’s a mindset that leaves little room for organic compromise and fails to recognize that when people fall in love, that feeling can lead them to discard some of their expectations and work toward new shared dreams. As a result, dating becomes a checklist exercise rather than a journey of mutual discovery.

Hardball, Lowball, Slow ball, No Ball???

Hardballing is just a symptom of a growing imbalance between knowns and unknowns and the misguided rejection of the latter. Systems function best when there is tension between parts, even when that tension is, at times, difficult. Trees need both secure roots and flexible branches. Markets need both private enterprise and government oversight. Online dating, however, has produced a fully unbalanced system. People assume that having more critical information up front—desire for children, ideal vacation spots, favorite movies—will lead to greater confidence and security. After all, anxiety typically thrives in the unknown. But that hasn’t been the outcome. Instead, the sea of information available on a dating profile (or via a Google search) has only amplified insecurity and anxiety. If an algorithm determines that we allegedly match up so well with someone, and yet there’s no spark, then maybe there really is no one out there for us after all.

Many of today’s nascent connections fail to launch precisely because the parties already do know so much about each other. What’s left to discover organically? We can be attracted to someone by the excitement they reveal when describing their hobbies or the care they express for their families. When we already know the facts of their background, the opportunity to discover their authentic selves through their words and emotions in the moment—and maybe then fall for them—is stifled.

The irony of young adults being so quick to judge is that many hesitate to put themselves out there precisely because they fear encountering this kind of snap judgment. This double standard—harshly assessing others while resisting or dreading receiving that same scrutiny—makes dating intimidating and exhausting. My clients want to be seen for who they truly are, but not to be rejected for it.

After I got out of a long-term relationship at 29, I thought: No problem. I’ll just find someone new. Then I turned 30, and panic set in. I’m 35 now, and have had a slew of almosts/what-ifs/flings/promises/come-back-arounds/ghostings/canceled dates. Today I’m fully, solidly, committed to the uncommitted. The apps have left me questioning how different an in-person vibe is from a person’s photo—and questioning my own judgment. So here I am, off the apps, leaving it finally—ultimately—up to the universe. Something tells me I should’ve been this way the whole time. — Alexis, 35, Boston

Singles are highly self-aware, though: In a recent study involving 648 American singles, participants cited fear of getting hurt, poor flirting skills, and being too picky as among the top reasons why many believed they remained uncoupled. (The researchers lumped these concerns together under the category “low capacity for courtship.”)

Larger issues only compound the challenge. With rates of anxiety and depressionrising among young adults, putting oneself at risk of rejection—perhaps repeatedly—is more daunting than ever. For a generation that feels poorly equipped to deal with heartbreak, retreat may seem like the best, or only, option—but that choice, exacerbating loneliness and insecurity, only further burdens their fragile mental health.