Low Folding Chair Pulled Up To Corner Of Mar-A-Lago Conference Table For JD Vance
PALM BEACH, FL—Clearing their throats as the vice president-elect knocked on the door of the Mar-a-Lago conference room and poked his head inside, members of the presidential transition team reportedly rolled their eyes Friday and allowed JD Vance to pull…
Ram Will Stop Headbutting Things When Headbutting Things Stops Working
DUBOIS, WY—Saying the one-size-fits-all approach had yet to let him down, a local ram told reporters Thursday that he would stop headbutting things when headbutting things stopped working. “Say what you will about it, there’s pretty much no problem in…
Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To End Travis Kelce Hunger
NEW YORK—In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor Swift announced Thursday that she had donated $5 million to help end Travis Kelce hunger. “It’s…
Study: No One Born In U.S. For Past 5 Years
ATLANTA—According to a new study published Tuesday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, not a single person has been born in the United States during the past five years. “While the general fertility rate has been decreasing for…
L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces Way Out Of Facility
NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its…
John Cena Slims Down For New Role Portraying Human Man
LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in which he would portray a human man. “I knew I had to take drastic measures if…
Monster Devastated To See Film Depicting Things He Told Guillermo Del Toro In Confidence
THE DOOMFUL BOG—Saying he felt humiliated by such a public betrayal of his trust, a monstrous abomination known as the Bog Freak told reporters Friday that he was devastated to have seen a movie depicting things he told filmmaker Guillermo…